I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
