This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize