Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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