im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
