I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
