i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
