I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
