maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
