im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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