I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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