Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
