she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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