Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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