If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
