Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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