Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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