you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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