I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
