you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
