it was like his penis was on wheels.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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