'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
