Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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