So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
