Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
