I could have mohawked her pubes.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
