i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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