Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
