Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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