i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
