I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
