i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
