someone threw a dead crab at me
no, he came in my armpit
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
This house was built for laser tag.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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