Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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