Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
