We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
