I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
