i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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