It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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