So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
A+ Viking dick
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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