Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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