Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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