You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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