question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
My life is pants optional.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
