I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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