I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
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