just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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