listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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