I heard we made out
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
