I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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