I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
