a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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