someone threw a dead crab at me
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize