i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize