Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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