I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
That's how pantless uber rides happen
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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