Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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