He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
