i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
